Undeserved gifts

It is amazing how our God graciously loves us when we don’t deserve it one bit. My last week in Portugal felt like one of those gifts that can only be from God. It was kind of like a secret between God and me and He was reminding me how he loves me.

See, I lived in Portugal for 2 and ½ years. I worked as a missionary there and I could not be more thankful for my time there. But, It was hard. I struggled a lot with loneliness. A lot of those struggles were brought on by my own sin and a lot of them were just results of living in a foreign country. I don’t really like to talk about this very often, because for a while I felt like a failure. I was supposed to stay in Portugal for at least 3 years. That was my commitment. Going into it, I even thought maybe I would stay longer.

I remember the emotions I felt during my final months there like it was yesterday.  I knew that I was in a place spiritually and emotionally that I needed support. I needed the comforts of my family and friends to surround me. The best way I could describe it was that I felt like I was dying from the inside out. Let me say this- I don’t doubt for a second that God wanted me in Portugal. That he used that time richly for my own growth and the growth of his kingdom. I am just saying that it was hard and for a variety of reasons I made the difficult decision to leave early.

I had many people tell me things in good will that I struggled with for months.  People told me that I was giving in and not allowing God to work, that I was way more needed in Europe than in America, that In America that I was replaceable because there were so many people who wanted to serve there, but in Portugal there are only a few.  It is true, there are not as many followers of Jesus in Europe, but this was not what I needed to hear.  I struggled with many of these opinions and they ultimately led more to my feelings of failure.

My first year home, I lived in a state of thankfulness to be back in familiar territory and to have a family of people around me who loved me and could hold me up when I was falling. But I still struggled with feelings of failure. That I let down people in Portugal. That I did not complete Gods work.

This past week, I got to go back to Portugal for the first time since I left 3 years ago. I went in with excitement and a little anxiety. But mostly excitement to visit one of the most beautiful places on earth. When I arrived it was a big family reunion. Many of the European staff that I worked with was there, old friends from Portugal were there, and many of the kids that I loved were there.  It was a sweet reunion that felt completely normal. We all picked up right where we left.

After a few nights of being there it hit me. This was Gods gift to me.  For so long I felt like I let down the ministry, that Gods work would not continue if I was not there. But when I was at there I got to see middle school kids that I worked with all grown up and make decisions to follow Jesus. I saw close friends that knew nothing about the ministry I worked in are now running the ministry in Portugal. I got to see the seeds that my coworkers and I planted while we lived there being watered and growing. I got to see how Gods grace works. I got to see God using the family of believers to do His work. Not mine.

What freedom. Although I am sure God would have used me while I was there (maybe- I was in a really low place), He does not need me. He loves us and wants to use us for His glory, but he does not need us! I am not saying to break your commitments, but I am saying that God’s plan is much bigger than our eyes can see. He knew that I needed time in Portugal to grow and lean on him like never before, but he also knew that I needed time to be surrounded by friends in family.

Thank goodness it is not up to me. If it were up to individual people to do the work, it would never happen. I did not deserve the gift of being able to see old students I worked with follow Jesus, and old friends living out their calling. But God loves me so much that he allowed me to see it. We serve a gracious God.

Oh lord, help me to be obedient to what YOU have called me to nothing more and nothing less. Help me to stay true to what I committed to with the knowledge that it is not all up to me. Lord, make me less and you more.